Jealous

Jealous of the one who won your heart

They say it's a perfect match

She's gonna get to be where you are

And I don't get better than that

She'll say you're fine

Whisper words I wish were mine

And they might've been, if I had been there... -

(Excerpts from "Jealous" an OPM soul song from Nina)

She's a very lucky girl. Does she know that? I hope she does.

I met him many moons ago. And back then, he was already the boy that made my heart sing. He still is that boy, if he only knows. I jumped at the moment I heard about this opportunity to work with him again. To see him almost everyday. To watch him walk away from me everyday. To make my heart do its rollercoaster ride over and over again. And I held back for a while for only one reason. Her. Yes, the girl who now makes his heart sing. She made me think twice about this whole situation.

My own circle of friends tell me what a dangerous situation I am putting my heart in. After all, they saw me grow up beside him. Always the girl by his side, the girl who understands, the girl who always gets set aside when a more glamorous noona or a cute dongsaeng gives him the attention he needs. He makes me happy, and to me that was enough. It still is enough. I'm happy when I know he is. And I live somewhat for the moments he tells me that in my own way I make him happy too.

We are kindred spirits. We grew up under bright lights. We were trained to make our heart believe what our fans want us to believe. But amid all that, we always knew we had each other to run to. That with all the craziness of our chosen paths, we will have an empathetic friend. No one knows about this, our continuous journey together. We made our choice not long ago, to hold our friendship sacred. We didn't take the logical next step when we could've, by choice. Because our ambitions were stronger than the love we had but our friendship was more important than those ambitions. So, we saved what we could. And now that we will work together once more, the butterflies of mixed emotions are here again, at least for me.

Just because we're grown up now, it could've been time to see our relationship in a different light. But fate had other plans. His heart already found its match. And I, who is resigned to be happy when he is, can only watch that smile that never fades from his lips. I've seen him at his lowest, when his heart broke into a million pieces over a lost love. I've seen him at his highest, when he saw the object of his affections, apparently getting giddy over the sight of him also. And I've seen him grow up to deal with his matters-of-the-heart publicly and privately. And over time, he amazes me at how he had learned to balance his priorities.

She's in Taiwan away from him, but she fills his thoughts. Does she know this? That bright smile. Those lively eyes. The excitement to come home after a long day of taping with me. All for her. What's left to me is the breaks in between takes, the pretend (yet undeniable) chemistry (hey allow me this at least?) between us and the comfort knowing that he considers me his best friend -- ever the girl who sees him for who he really is and who will stick with him as the tides ebb and flow.

Yes, my heart sings and breaks every day these days. But what can I do? Even if many would like to vilify me and that stings a lot, I am still me. The one waiting in the wing. The one wishing that she takes good care of his heart, even if that means I will never get my someday, with him.

And even with that I am still thankful. That I get my moments of happiness, even for a little while. That I find temporary solace around him. And that with the choices we made, our pact remains. Him and me. Forever. Even as friends. I am happy with this. Because of that, the pangs of jealousy subsides a bit. And I am only left with a thankful heart, for the gift of him, in my life, however that was destined.

Shin Hye, dongsaeng, for this unni, will you make sure he knows that his existence brightens someone's world too, your world? It's not my place to do so. So, I hope you know. You are a very lucky girl.