Loyalty

***This is a giant leap, I know. But my shipper heart had StEel in mind when I watched the latest MMM episodes. And my heart was neither empty, envious, angry or afraid. So it must be how it is. I hope it is. This is dedicated to all of you shippers and fans. And yes, to you Mee and Karen, if you ever still read my stuff.***

She had some fans visiting her on set these days and that makes her feel ecstatic. The passion they pour into the thoughtful presents they always bring to her leaves her speechless and in awe. Park Shin Hye must have done something heroic in a past life to deserve such devotion from people she would likewise admire deeply had she not been a celebrity. They had went out of their way, traveled far, defied norms and negative feedback from other people just to see her and to marvel with her the grandeur of the place she is in or to just make her feel less cold, less lonely with the warmth of the smiles they had. These fans were not her family but somehow that day they brought her home.

As thoughts of home came pouring in, while she stared at the small Christmas Tree that her fans brought for her, she remembers Keun Suk. Yes, him, who just that morning texted her that they just finished filming the climax of his new drama and that the second of way too many kisses had already been shot. Hello, pangs of jealousy. Ignoring this, she thought of him fondly. He, slightly more than her, has very devoted fans, as evidenced by the jampacked series of fan meetings he had in Japan recently and even sometimes evident in his fans' reactions towards him and any breathing creature he is paired with. When he was making his blitzy tour of Japan, she wished then that one of the stops was Sasebo, Nagasaki, where she was. But that was wishful thinking. After all Sasebo feels nearer to Pluto than any sign of civilization. Come on, in a highly industrialized country like Japan, you would expect that there'd be some sign of wi-fi somewhere, right? Wrong. And it's not helping her case, as she's lagging in tweets and Cyworld updates. "Bogosipeo, oppa", she mildly whispered to the wind. "I hope you are keeping warm in this cold."

On break on the set of her drama, she sits in her corner, oblivious to the world. She is scrolling her handphone. Thank God for SMS! And she is rereading Keun Suk's messages to her and a thread of messages is what she kept on reading over and over again. They were the messages he sent her that morning. She fondly recalls the funny incident. "I miss you Mary," he had texted at first. Defensively she was about to reply to him for his insensitivity, how dare this mutt call her Mary. But that was before her handphone buzzed again with his continued message "Surprised you didn't I? That message was meant for you, Shin Hye."

A little confused she typed furiously into her phone before it would buzz again, "Mu Gyul is a character I play and Mary is the character Geun Young-a plays. They're people in a story. But in real life if I was Mu Gyul, then Park Shin Hye is my Mary. So, I miss you Mary."

Enlightened at his answer, she turned beet red if he could only see her then. It was mushy and saccharine alright, but it was good mood booster for a tiring day ahead. But he wasn't done yet as another message comes through. "To Mu Gyul, Mary is the one that teaches him a lot of things. The bright side in everything. The long breaths one takes before reacting harshly. The Merry in Christmas. So to Jang Keun Suk, Park Shin Hye is his Mary. Ahrasso?"

Still searching for words to tell him back, she texts back, "Nae, Oppa, komowo. Bogosipeo." (Yes, Oppa, thanks. Miss you.) She was still holding on to her heart, over what she had just read. But seems he isn't convinced as he sends another message. "Kya! I message long ones, and this is all I got as reply?"

She laughs as she typed to reply back "Aniyo. Okay, if I'm Mary, tell me something in the drama that Mu Gyul says to Mary, that is the most honest line you can think of?"

He replies, "Gureomyo (okay), let me think about it. I'll get back to you in 10 mins, Ms. Short Messager."

In the time span he promised, a long message came through in 3-parts. He warns her in the first message "This is the entire dialogue, Shin Hye-a. But I imagined us having this conversation when we filmed this scene." The second message was split in two parts and begins with his note "This is the most honest line in the entire script so far...

Mu-gyul: How many moons do you think it takes to live half a lifetime together?
Mary: It’s probably not possible with just love.
Mu-gyul: Then…loyalty?
Mary: Yeah…with loyalty, it might be possible. It’d be nice if we could last a long time with loyalty.
Mu-gyul: With you, somehow I can paint that picture in my mind…"


And then a fourth message to cap things came through: "Yes, with you Shin Hye. My Mary, I can paint that picture, loyalty, in my mind. Always believe. Be loyal to me. And I will be to you. Keep safe. Annyeong." He had told her almost pleading.

She didn't know what to say back to him, so she didn't reply. They were at that comfortable pace in their relationship now, that he understands when she is a little bit jarred by declarations like what she had received. He had agreed with her to take things slowly. And although his statements are neither too fast nor too slow, sometimes she is still overwhelmed by it. She will have her comeback statement in time, and he had been patient with her, just taking them as she is ready.

The picture of loyalty is such an abstract picture, she thinks. One that has her pondering on the devotion of her fans. After all, like love, being a fan requires commitment. There are those fans who are fickle and there are those who are easily swayed by rumors. And there's only a few who stick through with you. So to go leaps and bounds to see her and make her feel like she's not alone and that she inspires people are gestures she always thought were more than enough. Yes, love is not enough, including love for a star, because sometimes she knows she will disappoint them, with her choices of dresses, projects, make-up or even on-screen partners. There will be those who will incessantly make her heart a little faint as they try to project their imaginations on her and Keun Suk or any random person they want her to end up with. At the end, it boils down to loyalty. Those who would reasonably allow her to disappoint them so she can learn from her mistakes and who would celebrate with her when she had tried her hardest, even if it could fall a little shorter than she wants. To her, those are her loyal fans.

With that thought, she realizes, Keun Suk, with those simple yet meaningful text messages, just became her Number 1 and most loyal fan. Yes, with him, loyalty, is a picture she too can paint in her mind.

credits: dramabeans for translations to Marry Me Mary lines. :)

Jealous

Jealous of the one who won your heart

They say it's a perfect match

She's gonna get to be where you are

And I don't get better than that

She'll say you're fine

Whisper words I wish were mine

And they might've been, if I had been there... -

(Excerpts from "Jealous" an OPM soul song from Nina)

She's a very lucky girl. Does she know that? I hope she does.

I met him many moons ago. And back then, he was already the boy that made my heart sing. He still is that boy, if he only knows. I jumped at the moment I heard about this opportunity to work with him again. To see him almost everyday. To watch him walk away from me everyday. To make my heart do its rollercoaster ride over and over again. And I held back for a while for only one reason. Her. Yes, the girl who now makes his heart sing. She made me think twice about this whole situation.

My own circle of friends tell me what a dangerous situation I am putting my heart in. After all, they saw me grow up beside him. Always the girl by his side, the girl who understands, the girl who always gets set aside when a more glamorous noona or a cute dongsaeng gives him the attention he needs. He makes me happy, and to me that was enough. It still is enough. I'm happy when I know he is. And I live somewhat for the moments he tells me that in my own way I make him happy too.

We are kindred spirits. We grew up under bright lights. We were trained to make our heart believe what our fans want us to believe. But amid all that, we always knew we had each other to run to. That with all the craziness of our chosen paths, we will have an empathetic friend. No one knows about this, our continuous journey together. We made our choice not long ago, to hold our friendship sacred. We didn't take the logical next step when we could've, by choice. Because our ambitions were stronger than the love we had but our friendship was more important than those ambitions. So, we saved what we could. And now that we will work together once more, the butterflies of mixed emotions are here again, at least for me.

Just because we're grown up now, it could've been time to see our relationship in a different light. But fate had other plans. His heart already found its match. And I, who is resigned to be happy when he is, can only watch that smile that never fades from his lips. I've seen him at his lowest, when his heart broke into a million pieces over a lost love. I've seen him at his highest, when he saw the object of his affections, apparently getting giddy over the sight of him also. And I've seen him grow up to deal with his matters-of-the-heart publicly and privately. And over time, he amazes me at how he had learned to balance his priorities.

She's in Taiwan away from him, but she fills his thoughts. Does she know this? That bright smile. Those lively eyes. The excitement to come home after a long day of taping with me. All for her. What's left to me is the breaks in between takes, the pretend (yet undeniable) chemistry (hey allow me this at least?) between us and the comfort knowing that he considers me his best friend -- ever the girl who sees him for who he really is and who will stick with him as the tides ebb and flow.

Yes, my heart sings and breaks every day these days. But what can I do? Even if many would like to vilify me and that stings a lot, I am still me. The one waiting in the wing. The one wishing that she takes good care of his heart, even if that means I will never get my someday, with him.

And even with that I am still thankful. That I get my moments of happiness, even for a little while. That I find temporary solace around him. And that with the choices we made, our pact remains. Him and me. Forever. Even as friends. I am happy with this. Because of that, the pangs of jealousy subsides a bit. And I am only left with a thankful heart, for the gift of him, in my life, however that was destined.

Shin Hye, dongsaeng, for this unni, will you make sure he knows that his existence brightens someone's world too, your world? It's not my place to do so. So, I hope you know. You are a very lucky girl.

Shades of Fall

**For Tita Girlie. The person who always wanted me and those younger ones dear to her to experience life and learn from it. Happy Birthday!**

He helped me put my baggage in the trunk of the van that day I left for Taiwan. He said he wanted to see me off, but I told him not to because of the fans who will be around. He asked me questions nonstop to which I just answer, "Nae, Oppa. Ahrasso. Kinchanayo" to no end. I know he means well. Part of me wanted to protest, I'm not really a kid to be talked to like that. Part of me understood that he's probably just having some sort of separation anxiety. Everyone around me was undergoing the same thing actually. When I accepted Hayate and the Taiwan projects, everyone who was anyone thought I had gone mad. Heck, even I had thought I had gone mad. In some moments it felt like my own little act of rebellion, like I was dying inside to be able to prove something to the world. To mark another milestone to this year I turned 20. And I remembered my own Cyworld entry last April, when I thought of how far along I've come and how far I still need to be. I guess I've been trying to race my own clock and it's both exhilarating and scary. I'm proud of where I am now. And I know that if I compare who I've become to who I was last April, so many things had changed and I have moved maybe a lot of notches my own career-meter.

But still, there was him. And there was me. And there were these miles that will be between the both of us. It is already hard enough that we work out our relationship hidden from the public eye. Sigh.

I still remember when I told him my decision about Hayate, how he gave me that deadly stare, heaved a sigh and grew silent, almost making me feel like he was screaming over a pillow. He heaved too many sighs that night. Only to say, maybe after much careful thinking that he respected my decision. That my career and my future was more important to him, since it was what made me most happy. I have never felt more loved than that. I looked at him and still see worry lines form in his forehead. I wanted to tell him not to worry, but I didn't, because I too didn't know where this was all going.

When I heard he was going to be in a drama opposite Geun Young unnie, I wanted to think it was his revenge at me. But I realized we did talk about this long before. He told me he was reviewing the script back in June and was going to make a decision within a few weeks. Geun Young unnie was in the short list of possible other female leads but of course it's hard to say she will end up being cast. He asked me if it was okay, and I thought it was nice of him to ask. I am scared, a little. But I didn't tell him that. I was the one who made the first bold step didn't I? I was the one who put a wedge of a thousand miles.

He gave me a call the moment he touched down and we hung up as the fans started to squeal about his arrival. He's with me, at least for now. He had called me many times that week to check in on how I was doing. He told me I worry him a lot with the Twitter posts I was doing. And that it will be soon when he will be beside me again. "Shin Hye", he had said, "you can't keep being like this, you know? Because darn I will be flying every weekend to you shooting schedule be damned if you keep being homesick." So, looks like my mom is not the only one anxious.

I am not a little kid. I wanted to hate what they do to me. This being anxious for my sake. Since after all, I accepted this risk so they can stop seeing me as being a kid. I want to grow past being the Shin Hye who is twenty who has grown up. I just want to be Shin Hye. Can't people see that? I'm not ranting. Because deep inside me, I also know the child still exists and she hasn't grown up yet, and in many ways not sure if she wants to grow up just yet.

He led me through the fan meeting, my second one with him, could also be my last, depending on what circumstances will dictate. And the fans were all gracious and it overwhelmed me, again. So much, that I cried. I cried because of all the love around me. I cried because for the first time, maybe I accepted that it really is hard to let go of Go Mi Nam, and now with my new project, I really have to bid her farewell. But he was there with me the whole time. Each step he made almost like a confession. Each word he said almost like a request, to those fans who loved us, to take care of me in his stead for the next three months, because only then will he feel at ease. The flowers he picked up on stage to give to me. The song we sang as if to commit to each other. They all looked like fan service to many, when it was not, definitely not when I looked into his eyes. And when he held my hand to lead me backstage, it had meaning. That in the time I will be away from him, while we are in each of our limelight on our career stages, after the last strain of whatever the song will be, he will always pull my hand and take me home.

This morning, it will be a packed schedule as always. I will still be spending the next couple of days with him before he flies back and our time apart begins. Reason and emotion know better to tell me to make the most of it. In a few days, I embark officially on a journey taken alone, but one that I hope will lead me back, bolder, more sure and wiser, into his arms and into the arms of those I love. Outside my hotel window, the sun shines bright. And I know that outside another window in Jamsil, the leaves are starting to fall. Colors are changing to signal a new season. Last Fall, the shades I found were those of lasting friendship. This Fall, the shades I will see will be that of a stronger me.

Their Song

**I've always been appreciative of gestures of love, both small and grand, more than gifts and sweet words combined. I wrote this on a plane flying back from a trip, old school style on pen and paper. I hope somehow that speaks of how much this couple means to me.***

"Ya! Shin Hye, are you going to come? What's this I'm hearing that you may not be able to make it? " Keun Suk blabbers with a straight face the moment he stormed into AVA Entertainment's office, Shin Hye's management's headquarters. "Oppa, mwo?" Shin Hye asks, startled and in between a hurried munch of the sandwich she was eating for lunch that day. "My last FM in Seoul, Shin Hye, that's what I'm talking about! I already promised my fans and you know me and promises," he demanded almost furiously. Shin Hye stares at him almost aghast, and then she chuckles as she shakes her head. "Ya! What now?! Why are you laughing?" He glares at her. "Oppa, you can be a worry wart. I promised you too, didn't I? And you know me and promises. Trust me a little sometimes." Shin Hye tells him.

Keun Suk sighs relieved at the assurance and also feeling safe that he can carry through with the surprise he had prepared for her and for his fans. He had promised that he will be doing something new for this fan meeting-birthday show. Since the fan meeting was meant for everyone who had stood by him and loved him inspite of all who he is and can be, the perfectionist and driven boy oft-misunderstood as a self-absorbed arrogant jerk. For this event, he wished to somehow prove to his loyal followers what they believed all along. He wants them to feel that he thinks of them more than he thinks of himself. Yes, them, including Shin Hye, the undeclared guest of honor that night.

~**~**~**~**~

Upon returning home from his trip to Hawaii, he enters the recording studio on his first day back in Seoul. The studio was requested to be isolated so his rendition of a soulful tune will not be leaked. He was still planning to sing it live on performance day itself but still opted to pre-record it just so he has back-up in case his emotions get the better of him. "Will she like it? Will she know it is for her?" he silently asks himself, smiling through his endless humming of the tune stuck in his head and somehow already ingrained in his heart. The rate he is going, her presence at the fan meeting matters more each second, like a life-and-death situation.

~**~**~**~**~

"Oppa, saengil chukhae. Again. Haha. We will see you later! We even have our mini script ready. Yong Hwa and I. for our beloved leader." He smiles hearing her usual chirpy voice through his voicemail. He had been in seclusion as he focused on this encore FM. He had caught her only once since he came back from Hawaii, and it was only to hand over the set list to her for his fan meet. Hearing her voice just now, through his phone, made him feel even more vibrant. The anticipation inside him builds up -- to the sound of the fans chattering away in line outside the stadium, to the whizz of people walking to-and-from backstage in preparation and to Shin Hye's recorded voice on his message box. And the goodness of the feeling that dawns on him makes him think. He must have saved the whole world in another life to deserve this much.

~**~**~**~**~

The floor lights were starting to dim and the crowd chatter was dissipating. Almost showtime. Keun Suk stands backstage behind the curtain and from the corner of his eye, he sees a glimpse of Shin Hye being escorted to the dressing room. Yong Hwa trails not far behind. She stops her tracks and waves at him. She gestures a cheering fist "Hwaiting" She mouths to him from afar. He smiles. He could almost run to her to claim a good luck kiss, but he controls himself. She stays where she stood, making sure he can see her clearly. She puts her two hands together to form a heart. "Oppa, saranghae." She mouths, her eyes not betraying how proud she is of him. He knew he's off to a good start.

~**~**~**~**~

It had always been his dream to have her see him in his fan meeting. That way she'll see and know anything that matters to him. Like her, these memories matter and each moment shared with her makes them even more meaningful. That day he felt all his dreams are coming true at once, perhaps so he could dream some more.

~**~**~**~**~

The curtain is lifted and he comes out, imitating Steve Jobs. Shin Hye sits at her hidden spot in the crowd, Yong Hwa beside her. Yong Hwa whispers "It hadn't started yet but already your eyes are beaming with pride." She chuckles at the comment. "Must've been how Seo Hyun-ssi felt when she came out to see you at your concert." Shin Hye teases him back. She sees Yong Hwa turn beet red. He nudges her. "Aish, pabo-yah! We are all fools in love these days. What has become of us?" "Yes. Yong Hwa, but that's not an excuse to keep abandoning us." He shushes her quiet, "Focus, Shin Hye. Watch. The love of your life is on stage." His excuse masked in the scolding goes unnoticed, as already, Shin Hye only saw the guy in black commanding the stage.

~**~**~**~**~

Finally, she and Yong enter the stage as their cute script indicated. Her heart was beating fast. From the time she arrived, he was only a mirage to her, so near yet so far. Even so, she felt the intimacy of the entire hour that passed. She began to see him differently then. Standing beside him on stage enacting the script as planned, she stood. She's never been this proud of him like this. She stands next to him closely wanting to make sure she isn't dreaming, a giddy smile on her face where everyone could see.

~**~**~**~**~

He comes back out on stage, this time in a suit with red roses in hand. Shin Hye was backstage watching him on TV. Yong Hwa smiling as if he knew what was going to transpire. A popular soulful tune fills the air. Yong Hwa grins. Shin Hye eyes him suspiciously, still fixated at watching Keun Suk from the small screen.

Ahhh… I’m in love
Ahhh… I’ll fall in love
Never feel any more fear
As long as I’m with you
The world is so beautiful

Keun Suk sang from his heart while the girl he is singing to stands backstage, awestruck. "Did he just profess his feelings in front of everyone?" She asks herself shocked. She looks to Yong Hwa who was only nodding, reading the question in her mind. "I can never outsurprise this guy, can I? No matter how hard I try." She says looking exasperated but feeling giddy all at the same time. Yong taps her shoulder and rubs her back assuring her of the answer. "Welcome to heaven." he tells her. He was right. Her feet didn't feel like its on the ground anymore. She wants to rush back out at that moment to stand beside him. She was proud. Elated. Honored. Speechless.

Finishing his song, Keun Suk rushes backstage, grabs at the bouquet of roses standing by his path. "Where's Shin Hye?" he asks Keun Sama. His manager points at the direction where Shin Hye and Yong were. "Your knight is here, princess." Yong tells Shin Hye seeing Keun Suk by the door. She looks at him silently. He smiles widely. "Here. You are beautiful as these and as the song I struggled to sing." She takes the bouquet in his hand. And holds his hand tight. She looks at his eyes, wanting to make sure she is not dreaming. He had been brave. She will be too. It feels good. In their own way, they feel right. He is in love, so he said in his song. And at that moment, she realized, she is too.

He gives her a quick embrace, before he runs out back on stage again for his Encore. Amid their reality, no matter how blissful or complicated, the show must go on.

************************************************************************************

Author's Note: Apologies again for the delay in between posts. I will be honest to say I had been in some sort of writing rut. It's not that I stopped believing this couple. I just lacked the inspiration. I may take a temporary hiatus from the world of one-shots, only posting as inspired. And in its place, I will be bringing the KiSS couple with me as new characters in a new fan fic story. I hope to see you, dear readers, in this new challenge. Will post the link up here when the time comes.

Public Displays of Affection

***For Jang Keun Seuk. The confident flirt. Trusted friend. Loyal Oppa. Funny punk. Saengil Chukhae!***
Thanks to Liz Lee who provided me with the color details to make this fic possible. The radio show part is mostly factual. And I realize, what beautiful poetry this couple's actions make.

Public Displays of Affection

"Keun Sama. Come on, you gotta help me out with this. Shin Hye's DJing again tonight and we can't just let that pass." Keun Seuk pleads to his manager-nim as they walk around the supermarket buying ingredients for another one of his cooking experiments.

"Sukkie-ya, wae? What's it to you that she is DJing and why do we need to have fun about that?" Keun Sama teases him, knowing fully well the reason why. "Besides its your birthday tomorrow, let's plan something for that. How do you want to celebrate it?"

"De, sincha. It's my birthday! I almost forgot. Because right now there's nothing else I want but make that call to Shin Hye on her radio show. It's a milestone for her so I want to share it. I will have another birthday" Keun Seuk keeps pleading.

"Aish, do you realize how cheesy you sound? Why don't we just leave this cheese we bought since apparently you're oozing with that today, it's not needed anymore." He hears his manager playfully tell him.

"Keun Sama, jebal!!" Keun Seuk says as he pouts his mouth.

"Did you really believe I'll say no? Did I ever say no when it comes to your desperate attempts at wooing Shin Hye? Never. You know why? Because I also have fun watching you make a fool of yourself." Manager Kim grins.

"Komowoyo!! Saranghaeyo!!" Keun Seuk blurts triumphantly, hugging his manager-friend as if he was given the best birthday gift there was.

"And for the record, Keun Sama, you did say "no" once. You said no over my dyeing my hair orange. Ahwawuawahauah!" He laughs heartily.

Manager Kim whacks Keun Seuk's head "Punk, I only said I never said no when it comes to your efforts for Shin Hye. That silly orange hair has nothing to do with her. And I am still saying no, at least for the orange disaster of a hair you got."

***~~***~~***

They spent the afternoon drinking tea in one of the teahouses in Insa-dong. Shin Hye was very animated telling the story of how her hosting stint went the night before and how excited she was to be flying to Taiwan in the next few days for her CF duties. Keun Seuk listens to her intently but still in between, his thoughts take over. He laughs to himself as he devises the brilliant plan for that night. He grins silently while Shin Hye chattered on until he felt a pinch on his arm. Earth to Oppa. Mwo? Why are you not listening to me? What are you planning again? Shin Hye lovingly demands, knowing that her Oppa has the knack to catch her unguarded in the silliest of moments.

"Aigoo. You are paranoid, aren't you? I'm just grinning as I think of Yong Hwa. Didn't you hear? His "wife" came to see him at his concert." He says defensively, trying to conceal his playfulness.

It better really be that, or... her voice trails.
"Or what, Shin Hye?" He demands playfully.

Anieyo. Nevermind. Yea, I did hear about Seo Hyun-ssi attending. I guess she more than made up for our absence at the concert then. Yong Hwa would've forgotten we existed and cared less for our non-attendance, the moment she walked into that auditorium.

"That's right." He says, breathing a sigh of relief that she was still left clueless.

"So, this radio show of yours. If you would tell me something on air, what would it be?" he asks as he takes a sip from his teacup.

First, Oppa, you need to listen. Listen good. Listen often. Because I'll say it everyday.... Shin Hye starts off without looking at him, staring at the table with both her hands on the tiny teacup she was sipping from.

"Hahahaha!!! Are you mocking me now, Shin Hye-a?" he said grabbing her hand after she gently placed her cup back down. "There will be payback. You know it. Be on your feet. Stay alert"

Oppa, I'm afraid. Very very afraid. she teases him, although still nervous at what he will pull again this time.

***~~***~~***

A few hours later, Shin Hye reports to the radio station early to read the playlist and the general flow of the discussion. Manager Jun who was also with her then drove her to the place, like old times. Fresh from obtaining her driver's license, she had been going to some places on her own, borrowing her Appa's car when she can. But that day, she opted to have someone drive her instead. Because Keun Seuk promised to pick her up after the show. And she looked forward to that, more than the two hours she will spend guest DJing at the station. After all, his birthday officially begins that midnight and if he picks her up then that meant she will be the first person to greet him.

The topic that day was about differentiating between friendship and love. She is hoping to do well to facilitate the topic. Can she pull it off? Can she speak from experience? These thoughts race in her mind as she reviews the notes for that night's episode. Will she be able to say enough without giving much away? "You'll do good Shin Hye. I'll be listening. Good luck", she remembers him saying before they parted ways that afternoon. "And of course, I'll see you right after." He had promised her.

She sees the program director motion that it's almost time to go on-air. She takes her place by the DJ booth, conscious of the simultaneous online streaming that will occur. She puts on her typical radiant smile. The on-air light comes on. And her voice is heard on the airwaves.

Keun Seuk listening from Tree-J's new office sits next to Keun Sama. He beams with pride at the pretty DJ he was watching online and notes that her voice over the radio sounds better than any song right now. The fun is about to start.

A few minutes into the radio show, the station's phone line opens for random audience callers. That was the cue he needed. His phone had been on hold, directly connected to the station's phone, for almost ten minutes now. Manager Jun and the program assistants made sure to tie up all lines so only Keun Seuk and Keun Sama can get through.

"Yeobuseyo!" The voice on the other line went. And Shin Hye went through all the motions. She learned that the caller was a 19-year old kid who was hanging out with friends at a hakwon (an academic center) who admitted to be her fan and had a special talent at imitating Keun Seuk's voice. She found that unusual but played on with the mystery caller. As she heard the familiar voice, she almost froze in her tracks "Wow, you really sound alike" she had said. And their conversation went on, as they exchanged lines from Minamishineyo. This is going down weird. They kept going, until finally Keun Seuk can't hold it in anymore, after he, as the 19-year old hakwon-hanging-out fan, had told her that Keun Seuk's version of 'Without Words' was better than Shin Hye's. "

"Go Mi Nam!! This is Jang Keun Seuk-ah!" he finally said, his fun time reaching its peak.

And at that point, Shin Hye wanted to disappear. Her thoughts were racing again so she was blurting out random questions. "Oppa, where are you right now? What are you doing?" she asked gently, yet also almost pleadingly.

He introduced himself to the rest of the listening audience and explained that he wasn't one to let go of the chance to make fun of the fact that his dearest friend was hosting the radio show. Shin Hye tells him he's always one step ahead of her, as she was planning her own call into him for his birthday on her last hosting day. He tells her that he wishes to spend his birthday with her, if he doesn't end up hungover from festivities. He tells her he plans to take her out on that day. Remembering her manners, she said she should take him out since it was his birthday.

In that airconditioned room, she was sweating like crazy. She fanned herself with her hands. She finds it hard to believe that he would go as far as this. As Hong Ki said, in his Cy post not long ago, they are treading the path of lovers loving dangerously, what with Keun Seuk showing affection in as public a space as that. Now she understood what Hong Ki meant, and understood why he can be jealous of this.

On air, he gave her his approval of her performance as a radio host. And then he bids her and the audience goodbye. Only to say hello again to her personally, later that night when he picks her up.

The last moments of the show went by like a breeze, as Shin Hye counted the minutes to the time she can tell him how much she appreciated the support he had given, albeit in a teasing and funny way. It was this humor that draws her to him. The affection with which he makes her feel that she exists to make him happy that he may make others happy. And to the tune of the discussion she just went over during the show, at that point in time, it was easy enough to tell the difference between friendship and love. This is love.

Seeing the familiar sportscar parked in an alley near the station, she approached the car. The driver, who had been waiting eagerly for her unlocked the door. She goes in. Oppa, kamsahamnida. It meant a lot today. Even if you embarassed me for a moment, it meant a lot. She tells him as greeting. He holds her hand. "Spend the next two hours with me Shin Hye. Then, you will have made me the happiest birthday boy." he mildly requests. Of course, how do you want to spend it? Without answering her question, the engine purrs as he turned on the ignition, the radio blaring his iPod playlist.

'Maldo obshi sarangeul alge hago. Maldo obshi sarangeul naege jugo' (Without a word, you made me know love. Without a word, you gave me love) went the familiar strains of the song with his voice in the background.

"See, isn't that better than your version?" he tells her. She pouts.

"You know why?" She shakes her head. "Because it's Keun Seuk singing it for Shin Hye."

Oppa, it is your birthday. Why are you giving me presents? Shin Hye finally asked, unable to hold the question inside any longer.

"Because you are my life's best present." he nonchalantly tells her.

She looks at him, Then, allow me to say this. It is a special day because it's your day. Thank you for being born.

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Note: To everyone else -- I know it's been a while since I last wrote. I hope this more than made up for the absence. I had been busy helping set up a new site, where also future editions of this fic will be featured. Please do visit. http://www.anjellhaven.net/forum

Clueless

***For Raine. The explanation of which is only between her and me.***

She paces across her bedroom before sitting by her computer for the fifth time in that hour. "Aish, Oppa, you're killing me. What the heck did I do this time?"
The pregnant Bongji lets out a bark at her, probably confused about the anxiety that is disturbing the mistress. She calls Bongji close, fixing the dog's hair endlessly until the dog yelps. "Mianhae, mianhae..." she says to the dog as she ruffles its hair. "I'm so stressed. When is he coming online? So they are still doing another trial shoot. He's not even answering my calls." She sniffs, not from tears but from the full-blown cold she had acquired as she caught a draft from the airconditioning in Tokyo and having to go back prematurely to sometimes-dry, sometimes-humid Seoul. "I'm sick and he acts like he doesn't care."
She types her login again on his official page, checks her messages and seeing if he had left any trace on each one of the boards he frequented.

Her phone rings. She jumps out of her chair to pick it up even if it was just an arms' length away. "Unknown number." The phone glared. "Are you playing games on me Oppa?" She hesitates to pick up. "Sniff. Yobuseyo." She finally says to the receiver.
"Shin Hye-ssi?" The voice on the other line said.

"Bolmae-jung. Err. Sniff. Yong Hwa!"

Yong Hwa laughs heartily, amused at her temporary state of confusion. "Annyeonghaseyo, Shin Hye. Gwaenchana?" He greets her suppressing his laughter.

"De, annyeonghaseyo. Gwaenchanayo. I missed you last week. What's going on?" She responds to him. "Ah Shin Hye. You still break my heart. You didn't sound too delighted to hear it was me. Is it because it was just me?" He kids. "Anieyo, I'm happy it's you. How's everything? Have you fallen in love? With Seo Hyun-ssi?" She tells him straightly.

"I know. I missed you too. I'm okay and we can talk about Seo Hyun later. But that's not the reason I'm calling." Yong Hwa says on the other line.

"De? Why are you calling then?" She asks him

"Gureom. I only have a few minutes for this untraced call. So I will make it quick. Hong Ki told me that you have been a little moody towards Hyung lately. Wae?"

"De? What are you talking about? I'm actually going crazy right now that he hadn't been calling or sending messages. So, if we're talking moody, then that's not me. Talk to him." She reveals in a huff.

"Calm down Shin Hye-a. I'm not talking about the current situation but the one in Tokyo. It seems you were having a mild tantrum while there, and Hong Ki thinks it was not just the humidity." Yong Hwa explains.

"Ah, that. Well, I was just a little stressed out then. Probably answered some reporters wrong even, when I was asked about Oppa and myself. The fans were overwhelming me, they were warm and welcoming and it was all new to me. I was trying to please Oppa's fans too, so they won't kill me on that stage. And I think it all just got mixed together." Shin Hye defends herself.

"Gire, I understand now. But you know listening to you, I remember Go Mi Nam. And I thought you already took that character out of your system?" Yong Hwa probes.

"Mwo?" Shin Hye asks, confused at the analogy.

"Yea, the jumpy Go Mi Nam. The one who is scared of everything. The one Shin Woo always has to look after. I see that person in you again. As you try and hide your true self and your closeness with Hyung. As you try to make perfect how the world will see you."

There is silence on the other line, a pause that keeps Yong Hwa going with the reason for his phone call.

"You asked me about Seo Hyun earlier. You want to know why I find her interesting? And why it seems as though I am falling for her?" Yong Hwa shares with her.

"It's because Seo Hyun is clueless about nearly everything. And that doesn't mean I can't respect her, since she is a very smart girl. But her being clueless about complicated matters helps, since she doesn't have expectations nor does she have anything to hide. Her being clueless challenges me. That somehow I need to be good at showing her around and teaching her things, while still making sure her good views of the world and people stay intact. She is neither afraid nor too confident. She leads me with her feelings and she lets me lead with my experience." Yong Hwa admits.

"Ah, Bolmae-Jung, you really are in love." Shin Hye chuckles.

Pretending to not have heard her comment Yong Hwa continues, "In Seo Hyun's own way, I saw a little bit of the Shin Hye I was attracted to back in November. And I guess over the last few months, life dealt you some rough hands and you lost that cluelessness. And that makes me a little sad." Yong Hwa quips.

And silence falls again. Yong Hwa breathes a sigh before continuing. "I saw that you were most happy with Hyung back then. That he was invincible in your eyes. That no matter what he does, you would smile. That you would not be afraid to fall for him. You had a heart that was ready to adore him like he has no capacity to hurt you. And that's how I knew I needed to step aside. After all, I trusted that you will be in good hands. With him. You still are in good hands, Shin Hye-a. I hope you know that."

Shin Hye continues to be still on the other side of the line. Speechless. Defenseless because Bolmae-Jung spoke the truth. "Shin Hye-a, when you let go of Mi Nam, you forgot to let go of that character's jumpiness. I ask you now, to break down the walls. Hyung might have hurt you before. Hyung might have shaken expectations you've had of him before, but that was because then was not the right time. You can't forever penalize him for not seeing through you right away, can you? Not when he is very dedicated to live as if only to make you happy. Not when he is showing me and everyone that he will stand by you, through everything. Shin Hye-a, I don't want you to miss out on that happiness. The happiness in being led. The happiness in learning about the world from someone who has your best interest at heart. The happiness in making mistakes, hurting some, finding some with someone who is committed to be your friend forever."

With some tears pooling in her eyes, she realizes her own shortcomings and finds that she misses her old carefree self too. The one who is not scared of anything. The one who wore her heart up on her sleeves, making a fool of herself only waiting for Keun Seuk to catch her as she falls. "Kamsahamnida Yong Hwa. This means a lot. Kamsahamnida for opening my eyes today. I'll give Oppa his space and I hope I'll know what to do when he comes back around." She tells her beloved towel guy on the other line.

"Don't worry Shin Hye. He'll come back around. I don't even think he's gone away, even for a moment now." Yong Hwa assures her.
"Gwaenchansumida, Yong. You need to go now, right?" She asks him, as if trying to make him stay even for just a bit.
"De, time's up. But you know I'm always here, yes?" Yong Hwa tries to confirm before he hangs up.
"De, kamsahamnida again Yong. Please keep in touch again soon. Take good care of Seo Hyun-ssi" Shin Hye says.
"I will. Be strong Shin Hye. Annyeongjibuseyo." Yong Hwa ends the call.

Sitting by herself, watching the raindrops on her window, she thinks "Bolmae-Jung, Shin Woo, Yong Hwa, you've given me warmth from the cold again today. Like Keun Seuk, you always know what to say. Like Keun Seuk, you make me learn some things about myself." She sighs as she closes her eyes in prayer.

Sitting still with eyes closed, reverent in thought, she hears a familiar honk. Khan. "Am I hearing things?" She asks herself. She closes her eyes again.

A few moments later their house door buzzes and she turns on the intercom - "Yobuseyo. Who is this? Sniff." She asks over the intercom.

Shin Hye-a, who do you think? Are you expecting someone else? Gwaenchana? Keun Seuk's familiar voice calls over the intercom.

"De, come on in. Sniff." She says excitedly over her cold.

She waits a few more moments and hears him knock at her door. She opens it and Keun Seuk lays the back of his hand on her forehead. Are you well? Here I brought you kalguksu. Do you want me to heat it up? Do you want me to go out to get some citrus juice? He asks her without pausing.

"Just a cold. Anieyo. This is enough Oppa. Kamsahamnida." She replies while smiling.

Ya, what are you grinning about? You got me worried with that Cy post of yours. I didn't reply anymore because I just ran straight here to get you soup. It's good for you. Bab mok ja. Keun Seuk rattles on.

She tugs his arms and leans her head on his shoulder. She feels warm and it's not because of fever.

Fan Letters

***As presented in the PSHIC (parkshinhye.org) ANJELL FM project. Collaboration with my deity sister, Raine aka jossa. Read her piece here, preferably before mine.***

To: 근석 (Keun Seuk)

June 11, 2010
12 Midnight
After Rehearsal

형님 (Hyung Nim),

I saw you today, looking at me, again, like you always do. And I pretend not to notice so I can concentrate on this routine. Beads of sweat form on my forehead both from practicing these steps endlessly but also from a slight fear at what you were seeing staring at me like that. Who are you seeing now? You have also been doing that since last Fall when we were filming the drama-- breaking down my walls, seeing through my different layers and accepting me as I am, at a time when even I was not sure who I was.

Like Hwang Tae Kyung, you've constantly watched me in this subtle and cool way. People could even misunderstand your behavior towards me as plain aloofness even apathy. But the gentle way you take care of me is enough to cast all doubts aside. When I was juggling two characters and our audience was ready to tie Go Mi Nam, the clumsy, naive impersonator, to my real self, you were the one who bravely reminded people who the real Shin Hye is -- feminine, young and in so many ways still delicate. And I have always been dumbfounded with that -- how can this person know me, almost more than I know myself?

Like Hwang Tae Kyung, you saw beyond the disguise I wore and challenged me to shine as Go Mi Nyu - wise beyond her years and brave enough to face the pain head-on that opens the way to growth.

Like Hwang Tae Kyung, you always find me each time I get lost or each time I run away. Yet, also like Hwang Tae Kyung, you let me go when needed so I can forge my own path or find myself again.

Like Hwang Tae Kyung, you have become my star. But only in a way unique to Jang Keun Suk, you don't blind me; instead you help light my way. As I watch you try and conquer the world, I find myself more inspired -- to somehow come up close to where you stand, that I may find myself worthy of the attention you give me, as the way you stare at me just now.

Like Go Mi Nam, I have become your special fan. I can look beyond your imperfections and give you a perfect 100 each time I am asked. I can hiccup in giddiness each time you mention my name. I can be tempted to do my pig-rabbit nose each time you say or do something that shoots bullets straight into my heart.

Yet, like Go Mi Nyu, I also have become your special friend. Someone who is loyal but not blind. Someone who can listen but also say what is on her mind. Someone who can carve her own niche. Someone who looks up to you but also someone you have come to respect and allowed to be your equal. And for letting me be her to you, I will be infinitely grateful.

I am excited to share the same stage with you again soon. And I know you're thinking that I might be missing Hong Ki or Yong Hwa at this time. Yes, I do. Although no one can take their place and it's better to have them here, my heart is still happy. Because you're here. That's more than enough, honestly.

Thank you...

For watching me

For seeing through me

For accepting me

For being here... right now and always.

Truly I can say that Minamishineyo is the best thing that happened to me, thus far. I will always jump at the chance to do it all over again, even by way of these fan meetings. Why? Because through that drama, I was drawn closer to you, the one who is outside looking in. And because of that, because of you, I found myself.

So in Japan, when the curtain opens, we can play our roles from the drama or be ourselves. You and I know they are one and the same.

But for now, when we rehearse, please try to keep from staring at me, before I turn all red again.

Your dongsaeng, #1 fan, and special friend,

신혜 (Shin Hye)

Milestones

Knock, knock. Room service.

Shin Hye wakes up from her slumber. Exhausted from the activities of the last few days, she takes off her gel mask and yells back. "I didn't call for Room Service."

Knock, knock. Room Service for Miss Park. Breakfast, ma'am.

She turns up from her bed half asleep, puts on her slippers and drags herself to the door. As she opens it, she tells the person at the door "Ahjussi, I didn't order..." She looks up at the man at the door, "Oppa!?!?"

Shin Hye-a, do I really look THAT old? This is the second time in my lifetime you've called me Ahjussi, Keun Seuk chides.

"What are you doing this early? I have barely woken up." Shin Hye asks him in surprise.

I can see that. You look particularly, uh, beautiful in that nightgown. She slams the door close suddenly at his face, realizing the clothes she wore. She turns red all on her own and says with the door closed "Oppa, just wait right there and let me dress up. Aish, you stress me out."

He smiles at the closed door and says to himself, I'll wait until whenever you tell me to wait. Have you realized that? He knocks at the door again and calls out to her. Shin Hye-a, can you just dress up in the bathroom? My arms are killing me holding this breakfast tray for you, and it's getting cold. He hears the door unlock so he lets himself in. The sound of water running in the bathroom is becoming music to his ears. He sets the breakfast tray on the desk and walks to the window with a city view. He smiles at the thought that even though he was in a foreign land, he felt just right at home.

****KS2H****KS2H****KS2H****KS2H****KS2H****KS2H****

She looks good even without make up, he thought to himself as she came out of the bathroom with her jeans and shirt on.

"Oppa, stop staring at me like that." She walks across the room to get her makeup kit.

Mianhae for staring, Shin Hye-a. But just as a suggestion, maybe you can skip the make-up today. Fresh and simple looks good on you. She blushes hearing this.

See, your cheeks can naturally have color on its own. Keun Seuk continues to joke around.

Oh, and can we share this breakfast now before we go?

"Sure Oppa." She pulls the chair to the desk and enjoys the breakfast he brought her, cutting almost everything in half as he hands him the fork. He stares at her again, in silence, marveling at the beauty before his eyes. The ache he feels inside subsides, for now...

Let me just have this day. That's all I ask. He tells himself as if asking permission from an unknown force.

****KS2H****KS2H****KS2H****KS2H****KS2H****KS2H****

Did Hong Ki confirm he will meet with us today? Keun Seuk asks Shin Hye.

"Nae, Oppa. He said he also left you a text message saying the same." Shin Hye confirms.

Keun Seuk takes his mobile out and sees the message. Ahrasso. He did send me an SMS message. Must have had my mind elsewhere this morning. He says he can't meet until 5 pm so it looks like we have an entire day to ourselves.

"That's cool, Oppa. At least you can tour me around. You've been to Japan more times than I have. So, where is our first stop?"

I will try. Today we will just be strolling around Harajuku. You can see the quirky fashions today, since it's a Sunday and the kids are out with their stuff. Keun Seuk tells her matter-of-factly.

"Oh, that sounds fun." He barely hears her say it as he flags down the first cab he spots on the street. He hands the driver the card that bears the place in Harajuku they will first visit, written in Nihonggo. Aja. He calls out to Shin Hye as he opens the cab door for her.

"Something is up with Oppa today. I wonder what it is." She thinks to herself.

The cab turns to a secluded alleyway in the Harajuku neighborhood, so Shin Hye is dumbfounded. "I thought we were going to see the weird kids in costumes, Oppa." She tells him with a confused tone.

Nae, we still are. But first, we are doing a stop here. Shin Hye continues to look at him, still all confused.

As the cab driver makes a stop at the torii gate, Keun Seuk gets out of the cab and holds the door again for Shin Hye. Still following his lead, she alights from the cab as well.

After giving the driver their fare, Keun Seuk closes the cab door and says in a quiet tone, Shin Hye-a, we are at the Meiji Shrine. This is where the Japanese mark milestones in their lives. And being with you today, at the fan meeting and meeting you in this lifetime are milestones for me. So, if you don't mind I'd like to commemorate them. "Gwaenchansumida, Oppa. Let's immortalize these memories, then." Shin Hye agrees, following his lead.

****KS2H****KS2H****KS2H****KS2H****KS2H****KS2H****

On their way to write their prayers in the temple's main quadrangle, they run across a wedding party. Shin Hye admires the party from afar, musing about the possibility of her own wedding someday. She looks to Keun Seuk and sees the slight hint of sadness in his eyes. "Something really is bugging him. And it doesn't look like he's ready to tell me."

Keun Seuk takes the pen at the stand, distancing himself from Shin Hye for awhile as he writes his own verses of prayer. He was not one to be religious or spiritual even. But at that Shinto shrine, with a prayerful Shin Hye next to him and with a painful statement he needs to deal with all on his own, he could use some help from the heavens. Wae? Of all statements must I have eavesdropped that one? I can rest not knowing anything and just keep on fighting. Hajiman, wae? He had kept asking himself since last night, waking up in the middle of the night even, regardless of the exhaustion from the fan meeting.

Shin Hye takes the pen at the stand, seeing Keun Seuk distancing himself from her. She wonders why. She yearns to ask him what's wrong. The hurt in his eyes betray him and she wonders what is bugging him. Trying to shrug it off and take the opportunity before her, she writes her own verse - "For love, that I may have the wisdom to tell when it has touched my heart and the courage to know how to make sense of it."

She senses Keun Seuk waiting for her to finish writing so they can both offer their prayers together. She smiles at him as she folds her verse and signals she is ready. He smiles back before dropping his gaze and they walk to the prayer books together. Following the lead of the other visitors, they offered their prayers together.

Before Keun Seuk tries to shrug off the truth that was gutting at him, Shin Hye catches his hand as they were walking out. "Oppa, you do know that you're not so good at hiding your emotions, right?"

De, Shin Hye-a? Mwo? Keun Seuk says defensively.

"You're carrying something heavy today, Oppa. I was wondering if it'll help if you unload some of it with me." Shin Hye tells him.

Anieyo, Shin Hye. Don't mind me today. I'm sure it's just this humid weather and the exhaustion. Not quite feeling well. Keun Seuk continued to conceal what he knew.

"Anieyo. We are not leaving here until you tell me at least something. You may not be ready to, but I feel like you have to be forced to say it." Shin Hye tightens her grasp at his hand.

Shin Hye-a, when are we going to stop playing games? Am I going to be the last one to know? So, you don't like me, huh? At least not like that. Isn't that what you told the reporter yesterday? Keun Seuk started to ramble uncontrollably, losing the daylight in his eyes.

I was going to come congratulate you for a great job at the fan meeting and I heard you answer that reporter. She had asked what you thought of the possibility of us together. She had asked if you liked me. She had asked what you thought of fans pairing us with each other. And what did you tell her? What did you tell her Shin Hye-a? He tried to keep his voice low but his emotions were getting the better of him.

"Oppa, mianhae." Shin Hye says choking back the tears lumping at her throat, realizing how much her words had hurt him, even if she didn't say it to him directly. But he couldn't hear this as he kept going.

Shin Hye-a, what did we say about honesty? I've been wearing my heart out on my sleeves. I've been answering the way I think I should answer whenever the topic of you comes up. I've been trying so hard, so you can see my heart. Are all my efforts in vain Shin Hye-a? Can your heart not belong to me? Just tell me, that's all I need to know. Keun Seuk says, almost begging, abandoning all his pride. He deserves to know, doesn't he?

Shin Hye looks at him silently, not sure where to start, not certain how to pacify the raging bull he's become before her eyes. Yet, she was neither scared nor confused. All she knew was that he was hurt with what he heard come from her lips the night before. All she knew was that the prayer she wrote is being answered. She is seeing love unfold before her eyes and she's summoning courage to do the right thing with it.

"Oppa, I live in honesty. I tell people what I think and feel the moment I said them. But seeing you now, for the first time ever, I regret what I said. Yes, I did tell that reporter that I didn't like you like that. That to me you were just a great friend with whom I'm most comfortable being with. You heard it and you know what I said, so I will not say it again and save you from further pain." Shin Hye owns up to his accusations.

"But there is a reason I said that, and that's not because I'm scared of your antis. Nor am I just taking vengeance out on you for denying me in your past interviews. Nor is it because I really don't like you." Shin Hye searches for words to explain what she said.

"I said it because, Oppa, you're important to me. Your friendship is something I am scared of losing. And I value it more than I can ever comprehend. So, no, I don't like you like that. I don't like you in the way the fans make us to be, because to them we are just a couple they can swoon over, with a relationship as saccharine as cotton-candy. Like that, we are objects of their illusions, figments of their imaginations. Like that, what we share has no struggle. Like that, there's no challenge. Like that, we don't grow. And when we don't grow, it becomes so easy for us to fade." Shin Hye says so sure of what she is declaring.

"I know your imperfections. And being in this real kind of friendship with you, I can hate them and deal with them. But don't need to ask you to change into this ideal person. Instead I find myself learning to accept them or learning to appreciate the person you become as you grow out of them. So, no, I don't like you like that." She continues.

"Can we be together? I don't know. You don't know. But we are getting somewhere. You and me. Together. Aren't we? The friendship we build. The bond we make stronger. I think that's most important. So, no matter what happens, if we follow their way or our way, we don't end up empty. We end up with beautiful memories." Shin Hye tells him.

Keun Seuk smiles at the thought. His heart lightening up a bit but even more determined -- to hold sacred what they have, to make stronger their bond, to try his hardest so she can someday love him, like that or like however way the heavens have ordained. His heart begins to rest knowing that he will always have her, one way or another.

And with that they crossed another milestone.

Fan Meetings

So, what's a fangirl to do after being sick on a trip and after a fanmeeting? Well, what else, but blog! The following was previously published at my personal blog. Many thanks to early commenters!

It was my first time ever to fangirl half the world over and it was quite an interesting experience. The Tokyo humidity was making it a rather very peculiar day and I can feel that everyone's moods, the actors and audience, were dampening because of the heat and muggy clouds. Well all that aside, I want to try and remember everything that happened but since I didn't write notes I just want to write about the general feeling I had observing these two people - Jang Keun Seuk and Park Shin Hye. After all, I understood neither Hangul or Nihonggo, so I was basing it all on body language.

So before I spazz, criticize, observe, analyze, I must first give credit where credit is due. Many many thanks to Mee Xiong and the mods and admins of Park Shin Hye International Community (http://www.parkshinhye.org) for letting me and my mom take two of the tickets for the fanmeeting they had secured. I'm sure there must be other people who would've wanted to watch both sessions but had to give it up for my mom and me. So, for that I will be eternally grateful -- for the chance to meet new friends and for the opportunity to experience this at least once in my lifetime.

And here are my observations --

- Park Shin Hye and Jang Keun Seuk were both beautiful people - inside and out. As I've always observed with Shin Hye, she is a very transparent person - can easily radiate warmth, sweetness in the room around her. I found Jang Keun Seuk to be jovial and does exhibit a certain leadership in his interactions with Shin Hye.

- Singing Still in the intro, Park Shin Hye came in with Jang Keun Seuk. She was a bit shy at first but was trying her best to get out of her shell and mingle with the fans. I felt there was something that happened in that 2 PM session or prior the 2 PM session that rendered Shin Hye out of her element. She was not super perky but she did try very hard, and there were emotional vids that can bring her close enough to tears.

- Jang Keun Seuk was being a gentleman throughout the whole session. It seemed as if they were close enough to each other that he knew and understood what she was going through and was helping hold her up to be at her best for this outing. Keun Seuk can be transparent too as we all know, but he didn't show any sign of being annoyed. Very supportive. Every inch a leader.

- Was there distance between the two friends? I didn't feel it in this session. It seems they have a very solid friendship where one can hold the other up as needed. The sweet parts where Keun Seuk would tease Shin Hye or when they would spazz together over videos of great scenes show me that there's a unique bond between them.

There was a part after her dance number when she looked like she was saying that her long boots was making it difficult for her to dance. And Keun Seuk was pointing out at her legs. Since I don't understand what he said, I took the body language to say that Keun Seuk was teasing her for being shy to show off her legs. That kind of banter really lit the room up.

-Did they reveal anything about what their relationship was exactly? This is where I sensed the most tension. The crowd in the auditorium was majority Jang Keun Seuk's fans, and as I tweeted it felt like the crowd was 9:1 JKS fans vs. Shin Hye's fans. Maybe that's an exaggeration but it did feel like that. Yet, even in the midst of Keun Seuk's very loyal fans, he was looking out after Shin Hye. Letting her speak first when the questions were directed at both of them. Listening to her when she spoke and answered questions for her. Played to the tune of the same music with her when they were watching the scenes, and at times even spazz confidently for the both of them, even if Shin Hye was being careful.

I think she had good reason to be careful since Keun Seuk is very adorable and definitely a ladies' man. Showing lots of affection towards each other was sure to attract the ire of some uncompromising Eels (term for Keun Seuk's fans). So, Shin Hye was trying to play safe. Keun Seuk played along for the most part, but when appropriate stood up for the both of them to enjoy reminiscing memories from the drama or in shipper-language, to show the world where his heart belonged. He provided her the necessary confidence boost whenever she looked "off" during the session.

-Singing "What Do I Do?" - I had a feeling this was a very important song to sing for the perfectionist Jang Keun Seuk. Coming on the heels of a rough attempt at this song from the Hong Kong FM last week, he wanted this particular version to be perfect. He had reason to because they were made to re-enact the drama finale after his singing. It was a delight for the fans - his coming off-stage to meet Shin Hye in the audience.

-Individual performances in the 2nd half. I am proud of Park Shin Hye in her particular medley of performances. She danced gracefully. She sang like a nightingale. She was glowing. But I did see her eyes being a little nervous doing her performances. But during her solo interview after singing Lovely Day, the confident Shin Hye was in the room. She answered the questions in this warm, feminine way she always did in interviews while holding her head up as if she knew what she was all about.

-One thing I wanted to note is the choice of wardrobe for Park Shin Hye in the 1st and 2nd act. I didn't see Mi Nyu or Mi Nam for the most part, instead I saw Jang Keun Seuk's ideal girl. If you've been closely following this couple, you would know what I mean. Shin Hye was ever present as this renaissance-like, feminine, wavy haired girl that attracts Keun Seuk. I thought that if wardrobes meant something for couples, this could be your confirmation. The stylist made sure that in this outing the Keun Seuk-Shin Hye shipping crowd will remember that ideal picture. And if they are not genuinely in a close relationship, I wouldn't understand the need to do that.

-Keun Seuk's swollen wrist and Shin Hye left to high-five the fans. Although I do believe the Keun Seuk wrist thing, I also thought that it was good strategy for Shin Hye to interact with the crowd. Although some rude uncompromising Keun Seuk fans left and opted to miss the opportunity to shake her hand (good riddance to them), I thought that Keun Seuk taking a backseat for this fan interaction was something only a great friend would have suggested. In Shin Hye's first international outing and with the disproportion in fans to consider, Keun Seuk took the high road by opting out. It gave Shin Hye a chance to shine and be in touch with her fans and others who can be her fans. And she did not disappoint, she was very pleasant high-fiving people and shaking her fans' hands (myself included). The "Thank You" in English she gave me as she shook my hand was a super treat. It made all the humidity and the exhaustion and the trouble all worth it.

So, was Shin Hye sad? Well, maybe photos I took were from the wrong angles, but her eyes do give away a little bit of that vibe in photos and videos. Probably tired from Cyrano Agency shooting. Probably not liking the humid weather (I can understand this!) But if there was a legitimate sadness about it, I would probably attribute it to the need to reminisce some memories she comfortably tucked away. If you all remember, she had some cooling off period from her Go Mi Nam character early in the year. Likely at that time, she didn't know she would be asked to relive it somehow again six months later. And perhaps the memory of that struggle dampened her mood. Yet, she is quick to pick up on her feet as she felt secure around Jang Keun Seuk -- like someone respected, adored, understood.

Overall, for a first fan meeting amid annoying weather in a foreign land with a foreign language, this has been a memorable experience worthy of 4 stars (I'd give it 5 if I didn't have gripes, but I did and I don't like to talk about gripes).

Will I do the same craziness again? (As my mom's eyes read as she saw me crazily spazzing right after my camera got whisked away for disobeying rules)

Without batting an eyelash, Yes.

After taking a few breaths to think straight, yes, but I must apply lessons learned for the next one.

Park Shin Hye and Jang Keun Seuk, for being beautiful, for doing beautifully to make this a worthwhile experience, kamsahamnida!

Tokyo, you've been rough, but not entirely forgettable. You've taught me a lot. And for that, I'll forever associate you with being a fan, being crazy, taking risks and going out of comfort zones. And if you know me, that's not entirely a bad thing.

-06.27.10-