Clueless

***For Raine. The explanation of which is only between her and me.***

She paces across her bedroom before sitting by her computer for the fifth time in that hour. "Aish, Oppa, you're killing me. What the heck did I do this time?"
The pregnant Bongji lets out a bark at her, probably confused about the anxiety that is disturbing the mistress. She calls Bongji close, fixing the dog's hair endlessly until the dog yelps. "Mianhae, mianhae..." she says to the dog as she ruffles its hair. "I'm so stressed. When is he coming online? So they are still doing another trial shoot. He's not even answering my calls." She sniffs, not from tears but from the full-blown cold she had acquired as she caught a draft from the airconditioning in Tokyo and having to go back prematurely to sometimes-dry, sometimes-humid Seoul. "I'm sick and he acts like he doesn't care."
She types her login again on his official page, checks her messages and seeing if he had left any trace on each one of the boards he frequented.

Her phone rings. She jumps out of her chair to pick it up even if it was just an arms' length away. "Unknown number." The phone glared. "Are you playing games on me Oppa?" She hesitates to pick up. "Sniff. Yobuseyo." She finally says to the receiver.
"Shin Hye-ssi?" The voice on the other line said.

"Bolmae-jung. Err. Sniff. Yong Hwa!"

Yong Hwa laughs heartily, amused at her temporary state of confusion. "Annyeonghaseyo, Shin Hye. Gwaenchana?" He greets her suppressing his laughter.

"De, annyeonghaseyo. Gwaenchanayo. I missed you last week. What's going on?" She responds to him. "Ah Shin Hye. You still break my heart. You didn't sound too delighted to hear it was me. Is it because it was just me?" He kids. "Anieyo, I'm happy it's you. How's everything? Have you fallen in love? With Seo Hyun-ssi?" She tells him straightly.

"I know. I missed you too. I'm okay and we can talk about Seo Hyun later. But that's not the reason I'm calling." Yong Hwa says on the other line.

"De? Why are you calling then?" She asks him

"Gureom. I only have a few minutes for this untraced call. So I will make it quick. Hong Ki told me that you have been a little moody towards Hyung lately. Wae?"

"De? What are you talking about? I'm actually going crazy right now that he hadn't been calling or sending messages. So, if we're talking moody, then that's not me. Talk to him." She reveals in a huff.

"Calm down Shin Hye-a. I'm not talking about the current situation but the one in Tokyo. It seems you were having a mild tantrum while there, and Hong Ki thinks it was not just the humidity." Yong Hwa explains.

"Ah, that. Well, I was just a little stressed out then. Probably answered some reporters wrong even, when I was asked about Oppa and myself. The fans were overwhelming me, they were warm and welcoming and it was all new to me. I was trying to please Oppa's fans too, so they won't kill me on that stage. And I think it all just got mixed together." Shin Hye defends herself.

"Gire, I understand now. But you know listening to you, I remember Go Mi Nam. And I thought you already took that character out of your system?" Yong Hwa probes.

"Mwo?" Shin Hye asks, confused at the analogy.

"Yea, the jumpy Go Mi Nam. The one who is scared of everything. The one Shin Woo always has to look after. I see that person in you again. As you try and hide your true self and your closeness with Hyung. As you try to make perfect how the world will see you."

There is silence on the other line, a pause that keeps Yong Hwa going with the reason for his phone call.

"You asked me about Seo Hyun earlier. You want to know why I find her interesting? And why it seems as though I am falling for her?" Yong Hwa shares with her.

"It's because Seo Hyun is clueless about nearly everything. And that doesn't mean I can't respect her, since she is a very smart girl. But her being clueless about complicated matters helps, since she doesn't have expectations nor does she have anything to hide. Her being clueless challenges me. That somehow I need to be good at showing her around and teaching her things, while still making sure her good views of the world and people stay intact. She is neither afraid nor too confident. She leads me with her feelings and she lets me lead with my experience." Yong Hwa admits.

"Ah, Bolmae-Jung, you really are in love." Shin Hye chuckles.

Pretending to not have heard her comment Yong Hwa continues, "In Seo Hyun's own way, I saw a little bit of the Shin Hye I was attracted to back in November. And I guess over the last few months, life dealt you some rough hands and you lost that cluelessness. And that makes me a little sad." Yong Hwa quips.

And silence falls again. Yong Hwa breathes a sigh before continuing. "I saw that you were most happy with Hyung back then. That he was invincible in your eyes. That no matter what he does, you would smile. That you would not be afraid to fall for him. You had a heart that was ready to adore him like he has no capacity to hurt you. And that's how I knew I needed to step aside. After all, I trusted that you will be in good hands. With him. You still are in good hands, Shin Hye-a. I hope you know that."

Shin Hye continues to be still on the other side of the line. Speechless. Defenseless because Bolmae-Jung spoke the truth. "Shin Hye-a, when you let go of Mi Nam, you forgot to let go of that character's jumpiness. I ask you now, to break down the walls. Hyung might have hurt you before. Hyung might have shaken expectations you've had of him before, but that was because then was not the right time. You can't forever penalize him for not seeing through you right away, can you? Not when he is very dedicated to live as if only to make you happy. Not when he is showing me and everyone that he will stand by you, through everything. Shin Hye-a, I don't want you to miss out on that happiness. The happiness in being led. The happiness in learning about the world from someone who has your best interest at heart. The happiness in making mistakes, hurting some, finding some with someone who is committed to be your friend forever."

With some tears pooling in her eyes, she realizes her own shortcomings and finds that she misses her old carefree self too. The one who is not scared of anything. The one who wore her heart up on her sleeves, making a fool of herself only waiting for Keun Seuk to catch her as she falls. "Kamsahamnida Yong Hwa. This means a lot. Kamsahamnida for opening my eyes today. I'll give Oppa his space and I hope I'll know what to do when he comes back around." She tells her beloved towel guy on the other line.

"Don't worry Shin Hye. He'll come back around. I don't even think he's gone away, even for a moment now." Yong Hwa assures her.
"Gwaenchansumida, Yong. You need to go now, right?" She asks him, as if trying to make him stay even for just a bit.
"De, time's up. But you know I'm always here, yes?" Yong Hwa tries to confirm before he hangs up.
"De, kamsahamnida again Yong. Please keep in touch again soon. Take good care of Seo Hyun-ssi" Shin Hye says.
"I will. Be strong Shin Hye. Annyeongjibuseyo." Yong Hwa ends the call.

Sitting by herself, watching the raindrops on her window, she thinks "Bolmae-Jung, Shin Woo, Yong Hwa, you've given me warmth from the cold again today. Like Keun Seuk, you always know what to say. Like Keun Seuk, you make me learn some things about myself." She sighs as she closes her eyes in prayer.

Sitting still with eyes closed, reverent in thought, she hears a familiar honk. Khan. "Am I hearing things?" She asks herself. She closes her eyes again.

A few moments later their house door buzzes and she turns on the intercom - "Yobuseyo. Who is this? Sniff." She asks over the intercom.

Shin Hye-a, who do you think? Are you expecting someone else? Gwaenchana? Keun Seuk's familiar voice calls over the intercom.

"De, come on in. Sniff." She says excitedly over her cold.

She waits a few more moments and hears him knock at her door. She opens it and Keun Seuk lays the back of his hand on her forehead. Are you well? Here I brought you kalguksu. Do you want me to heat it up? Do you want me to go out to get some citrus juice? He asks her without pausing.

"Just a cold. Anieyo. This is enough Oppa. Kamsahamnida." She replies while smiling.

Ya, what are you grinning about? You got me worried with that Cy post of yours. I didn't reply anymore because I just ran straight here to get you soup. It's good for you. Bab mok ja. Keun Seuk rattles on.

She tugs his arms and leans her head on his shoulder. She feels warm and it's not because of fever.

Fan Letters

***As presented in the PSHIC (parkshinhye.org) ANJELL FM project. Collaboration with my deity sister, Raine aka jossa. Read her piece here, preferably before mine.***

To: 근석 (Keun Seuk)

June 11, 2010
12 Midnight
After Rehearsal

형님 (Hyung Nim),

I saw you today, looking at me, again, like you always do. And I pretend not to notice so I can concentrate on this routine. Beads of sweat form on my forehead both from practicing these steps endlessly but also from a slight fear at what you were seeing staring at me like that. Who are you seeing now? You have also been doing that since last Fall when we were filming the drama-- breaking down my walls, seeing through my different layers and accepting me as I am, at a time when even I was not sure who I was.

Like Hwang Tae Kyung, you've constantly watched me in this subtle and cool way. People could even misunderstand your behavior towards me as plain aloofness even apathy. But the gentle way you take care of me is enough to cast all doubts aside. When I was juggling two characters and our audience was ready to tie Go Mi Nam, the clumsy, naive impersonator, to my real self, you were the one who bravely reminded people who the real Shin Hye is -- feminine, young and in so many ways still delicate. And I have always been dumbfounded with that -- how can this person know me, almost more than I know myself?

Like Hwang Tae Kyung, you saw beyond the disguise I wore and challenged me to shine as Go Mi Nyu - wise beyond her years and brave enough to face the pain head-on that opens the way to growth.

Like Hwang Tae Kyung, you always find me each time I get lost or each time I run away. Yet, also like Hwang Tae Kyung, you let me go when needed so I can forge my own path or find myself again.

Like Hwang Tae Kyung, you have become my star. But only in a way unique to Jang Keun Suk, you don't blind me; instead you help light my way. As I watch you try and conquer the world, I find myself more inspired -- to somehow come up close to where you stand, that I may find myself worthy of the attention you give me, as the way you stare at me just now.

Like Go Mi Nam, I have become your special fan. I can look beyond your imperfections and give you a perfect 100 each time I am asked. I can hiccup in giddiness each time you mention my name. I can be tempted to do my pig-rabbit nose each time you say or do something that shoots bullets straight into my heart.

Yet, like Go Mi Nyu, I also have become your special friend. Someone who is loyal but not blind. Someone who can listen but also say what is on her mind. Someone who can carve her own niche. Someone who looks up to you but also someone you have come to respect and allowed to be your equal. And for letting me be her to you, I will be infinitely grateful.

I am excited to share the same stage with you again soon. And I know you're thinking that I might be missing Hong Ki or Yong Hwa at this time. Yes, I do. Although no one can take their place and it's better to have them here, my heart is still happy. Because you're here. That's more than enough, honestly.

Thank you...

For watching me

For seeing through me

For accepting me

For being here... right now and always.

Truly I can say that Minamishineyo is the best thing that happened to me, thus far. I will always jump at the chance to do it all over again, even by way of these fan meetings. Why? Because through that drama, I was drawn closer to you, the one who is outside looking in. And because of that, because of you, I found myself.

So in Japan, when the curtain opens, we can play our roles from the drama or be ourselves. You and I know they are one and the same.

But for now, when we rehearse, please try to keep from staring at me, before I turn all red again.

Your dongsaeng, #1 fan, and special friend,

신혜 (Shin Hye)

Milestones

Knock, knock. Room service.

Shin Hye wakes up from her slumber. Exhausted from the activities of the last few days, she takes off her gel mask and yells back. "I didn't call for Room Service."

Knock, knock. Room Service for Miss Park. Breakfast, ma'am.

She turns up from her bed half asleep, puts on her slippers and drags herself to the door. As she opens it, she tells the person at the door "Ahjussi, I didn't order..." She looks up at the man at the door, "Oppa!?!?"

Shin Hye-a, do I really look THAT old? This is the second time in my lifetime you've called me Ahjussi, Keun Seuk chides.

"What are you doing this early? I have barely woken up." Shin Hye asks him in surprise.

I can see that. You look particularly, uh, beautiful in that nightgown. She slams the door close suddenly at his face, realizing the clothes she wore. She turns red all on her own and says with the door closed "Oppa, just wait right there and let me dress up. Aish, you stress me out."

He smiles at the closed door and says to himself, I'll wait until whenever you tell me to wait. Have you realized that? He knocks at the door again and calls out to her. Shin Hye-a, can you just dress up in the bathroom? My arms are killing me holding this breakfast tray for you, and it's getting cold. He hears the door unlock so he lets himself in. The sound of water running in the bathroom is becoming music to his ears. He sets the breakfast tray on the desk and walks to the window with a city view. He smiles at the thought that even though he was in a foreign land, he felt just right at home.

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She looks good even without make up, he thought to himself as she came out of the bathroom with her jeans and shirt on.

"Oppa, stop staring at me like that." She walks across the room to get her makeup kit.

Mianhae for staring, Shin Hye-a. But just as a suggestion, maybe you can skip the make-up today. Fresh and simple looks good on you. She blushes hearing this.

See, your cheeks can naturally have color on its own. Keun Seuk continues to joke around.

Oh, and can we share this breakfast now before we go?

"Sure Oppa." She pulls the chair to the desk and enjoys the breakfast he brought her, cutting almost everything in half as he hands him the fork. He stares at her again, in silence, marveling at the beauty before his eyes. The ache he feels inside subsides, for now...

Let me just have this day. That's all I ask. He tells himself as if asking permission from an unknown force.

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Did Hong Ki confirm he will meet with us today? Keun Seuk asks Shin Hye.

"Nae, Oppa. He said he also left you a text message saying the same." Shin Hye confirms.

Keun Seuk takes his mobile out and sees the message. Ahrasso. He did send me an SMS message. Must have had my mind elsewhere this morning. He says he can't meet until 5 pm so it looks like we have an entire day to ourselves.

"That's cool, Oppa. At least you can tour me around. You've been to Japan more times than I have. So, where is our first stop?"

I will try. Today we will just be strolling around Harajuku. You can see the quirky fashions today, since it's a Sunday and the kids are out with their stuff. Keun Seuk tells her matter-of-factly.

"Oh, that sounds fun." He barely hears her say it as he flags down the first cab he spots on the street. He hands the driver the card that bears the place in Harajuku they will first visit, written in Nihonggo. Aja. He calls out to Shin Hye as he opens the cab door for her.

"Something is up with Oppa today. I wonder what it is." She thinks to herself.

The cab turns to a secluded alleyway in the Harajuku neighborhood, so Shin Hye is dumbfounded. "I thought we were going to see the weird kids in costumes, Oppa." She tells him with a confused tone.

Nae, we still are. But first, we are doing a stop here. Shin Hye continues to look at him, still all confused.

As the cab driver makes a stop at the torii gate, Keun Seuk gets out of the cab and holds the door again for Shin Hye. Still following his lead, she alights from the cab as well.

After giving the driver their fare, Keun Seuk closes the cab door and says in a quiet tone, Shin Hye-a, we are at the Meiji Shrine. This is where the Japanese mark milestones in their lives. And being with you today, at the fan meeting and meeting you in this lifetime are milestones for me. So, if you don't mind I'd like to commemorate them. "Gwaenchansumida, Oppa. Let's immortalize these memories, then." Shin Hye agrees, following his lead.

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On their way to write their prayers in the temple's main quadrangle, they run across a wedding party. Shin Hye admires the party from afar, musing about the possibility of her own wedding someday. She looks to Keun Seuk and sees the slight hint of sadness in his eyes. "Something really is bugging him. And it doesn't look like he's ready to tell me."

Keun Seuk takes the pen at the stand, distancing himself from Shin Hye for awhile as he writes his own verses of prayer. He was not one to be religious or spiritual even. But at that Shinto shrine, with a prayerful Shin Hye next to him and with a painful statement he needs to deal with all on his own, he could use some help from the heavens. Wae? Of all statements must I have eavesdropped that one? I can rest not knowing anything and just keep on fighting. Hajiman, wae? He had kept asking himself since last night, waking up in the middle of the night even, regardless of the exhaustion from the fan meeting.

Shin Hye takes the pen at the stand, seeing Keun Seuk distancing himself from her. She wonders why. She yearns to ask him what's wrong. The hurt in his eyes betray him and she wonders what is bugging him. Trying to shrug it off and take the opportunity before her, she writes her own verse - "For love, that I may have the wisdom to tell when it has touched my heart and the courage to know how to make sense of it."

She senses Keun Seuk waiting for her to finish writing so they can both offer their prayers together. She smiles at him as she folds her verse and signals she is ready. He smiles back before dropping his gaze and they walk to the prayer books together. Following the lead of the other visitors, they offered their prayers together.

Before Keun Seuk tries to shrug off the truth that was gutting at him, Shin Hye catches his hand as they were walking out. "Oppa, you do know that you're not so good at hiding your emotions, right?"

De, Shin Hye-a? Mwo? Keun Seuk says defensively.

"You're carrying something heavy today, Oppa. I was wondering if it'll help if you unload some of it with me." Shin Hye tells him.

Anieyo, Shin Hye. Don't mind me today. I'm sure it's just this humid weather and the exhaustion. Not quite feeling well. Keun Seuk continued to conceal what he knew.

"Anieyo. We are not leaving here until you tell me at least something. You may not be ready to, but I feel like you have to be forced to say it." Shin Hye tightens her grasp at his hand.

Shin Hye-a, when are we going to stop playing games? Am I going to be the last one to know? So, you don't like me, huh? At least not like that. Isn't that what you told the reporter yesterday? Keun Seuk started to ramble uncontrollably, losing the daylight in his eyes.

I was going to come congratulate you for a great job at the fan meeting and I heard you answer that reporter. She had asked what you thought of the possibility of us together. She had asked if you liked me. She had asked what you thought of fans pairing us with each other. And what did you tell her? What did you tell her Shin Hye-a? He tried to keep his voice low but his emotions were getting the better of him.

"Oppa, mianhae." Shin Hye says choking back the tears lumping at her throat, realizing how much her words had hurt him, even if she didn't say it to him directly. But he couldn't hear this as he kept going.

Shin Hye-a, what did we say about honesty? I've been wearing my heart out on my sleeves. I've been answering the way I think I should answer whenever the topic of you comes up. I've been trying so hard, so you can see my heart. Are all my efforts in vain Shin Hye-a? Can your heart not belong to me? Just tell me, that's all I need to know. Keun Seuk says, almost begging, abandoning all his pride. He deserves to know, doesn't he?

Shin Hye looks at him silently, not sure where to start, not certain how to pacify the raging bull he's become before her eyes. Yet, she was neither scared nor confused. All she knew was that he was hurt with what he heard come from her lips the night before. All she knew was that the prayer she wrote is being answered. She is seeing love unfold before her eyes and she's summoning courage to do the right thing with it.

"Oppa, I live in honesty. I tell people what I think and feel the moment I said them. But seeing you now, for the first time ever, I regret what I said. Yes, I did tell that reporter that I didn't like you like that. That to me you were just a great friend with whom I'm most comfortable being with. You heard it and you know what I said, so I will not say it again and save you from further pain." Shin Hye owns up to his accusations.

"But there is a reason I said that, and that's not because I'm scared of your antis. Nor am I just taking vengeance out on you for denying me in your past interviews. Nor is it because I really don't like you." Shin Hye searches for words to explain what she said.

"I said it because, Oppa, you're important to me. Your friendship is something I am scared of losing. And I value it more than I can ever comprehend. So, no, I don't like you like that. I don't like you in the way the fans make us to be, because to them we are just a couple they can swoon over, with a relationship as saccharine as cotton-candy. Like that, we are objects of their illusions, figments of their imaginations. Like that, what we share has no struggle. Like that, there's no challenge. Like that, we don't grow. And when we don't grow, it becomes so easy for us to fade." Shin Hye says so sure of what she is declaring.

"I know your imperfections. And being in this real kind of friendship with you, I can hate them and deal with them. But don't need to ask you to change into this ideal person. Instead I find myself learning to accept them or learning to appreciate the person you become as you grow out of them. So, no, I don't like you like that." She continues.

"Can we be together? I don't know. You don't know. But we are getting somewhere. You and me. Together. Aren't we? The friendship we build. The bond we make stronger. I think that's most important. So, no matter what happens, if we follow their way or our way, we don't end up empty. We end up with beautiful memories." Shin Hye tells him.

Keun Seuk smiles at the thought. His heart lightening up a bit but even more determined -- to hold sacred what they have, to make stronger their bond, to try his hardest so she can someday love him, like that or like however way the heavens have ordained. His heart begins to rest knowing that he will always have her, one way or another.

And with that they crossed another milestone.