Excuses and Reasons

**Written as response to Raine/Jossa's "Wearing My Heart On My Sleeves" entry, here . Also my (earthprincess) unofficial debut piece for the Royal Deities -- a fun collaborative effort of KS2H's avid FF writers"

Oppa is intuitive. I guess he is confident enough of himself to know that it was hard for me to trust him. Actually, it still is difficult. He says he's doing everything he could to show me. He says he's doing everything to protect me. But if I am being honest, I will still admit that even through all this I take in every word he says with a pinch of salt. And I think I have a right to that, don't I?

The first thing that attracted me to Oppa was his self confidence. Tell me, how can an introverted girl like me not get attracted with that kind of flamboyance? It's like two opposing forces getting magnetized. He is the type to come into a room and expect all heads to turn to him. So my head did turn but at one point, in all wariness, I chose to turn away. Like my character in the drama, Mi Nam, I started out wanting to hide how I feel, just so I can protect myself from potential heartaches. But, wow, can he be one persistent dude.

When my name keeps slipping up in his outings. When he makes subtle gestures that are related to me, wearing pink, doing signs, drawing stuff that resemble me. My heart flutters, definitely. But still I wonder if I am merely a pawn in a chessboard he's trying to dominate. And I hate myself for thinking that, especially when he can be nothing else but sweet and kind to me. But sometimes I can still get confused. All the more so when his pursuit of me, and his efforts in whatever-you-want-to-call our relationship get mixed up with the relentless ambition he has of dominating the world. Sometimes I question his loyalty - whether he really is keeping mum of what we have because he is being loyal to me and wants to shield me from antis or whether he is being loyal to his fans by pursuing me, the lesser evil of all leading ladies he could get tied to. I can get greedy and ask for his full loyalty. But being in the same business as him, I can understand. Yet, still....

Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and ask "Otokajo?" Must I listen to the beating of my heart, because right now, I am just literally being swept away. I haven't felt this way before. Even more so that the object of my attention is the one giving me attention back.

Or must I heed the rationality of my mind, that tells me to tread carefully and to give it a little more time? To maybe surround myself with wiser friends who can give me better advice.

And when my brother calls out from the living room to tell me that it was now time to drop me off to school, I snap back to reality. As I go about my everyday dealings, I slowly make the decision to just be myself and act according to what I think is right when it comes to him. Because simply, making excuses to avoid him, listing reasons to love him can literally take up my entire time.

So, go with the flow I go. Maybe win some and lose some. He may have part of my heart now but since I am still my own woman, most of my heart still belongs to the people who stood by me before he came into my life and to the people I know will stay, when, with all fear aside, he may go away from me as easily as he arrived.

So, Oppa, play and go about your way as you think you must. Don't worry about me. Innocent as I may look, I think I know how to handle you. Because right now I may come up with a thousand excuses to run away from you, but only one reason to stick with you. And that one reason measures up to the thousand excuses-- Chances happen only once in a lifetime. And because I want to live my young life to the fullest, I'll take this chance with you.